Control Freak, OCD, Smothering...these might all be adjectives you might use to describe me as a first-time mother. I wanted to do everything by the book, do it right (still do, it's the teacher pleaser coming out in me, again). I'm letting go of that rope. Five years ago I was holding on...I mean white-knuckled death grip holding on and throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old if you told me to let go.
I'm learning that as with everything, there's balance. There's balance that a child needs as much discipline as love. There's balance in family time and "me" time and when I don't have it, everyone feels the wrath. There's balance in being overly protective and then letting boys do what they do best, get bruises. There's balance in feeding my kids healthy food and then letting them eat cookies or a french fry even if it means getting a look a judgment from another mother. But remember....I'm letting go, s-l-o-w-l-y. Some days, it's more of a leap. Those are my "wild" and crazy days.
Sometimes I wonder if I was too much for Nolan, too intense. I mean when you pick your child up from school and they have a "yellow" day and they ask, "Do you still love me?" you really worry if you're doing right by them. Talk about a punch to the gut. There's no worse nightmare that you have as a mother than hoping you don't send your kid to therapy when they grow up.
No, my dream as a mom is that they'll remember me playing with them. I mean down in the dirt, kicking a ball, can hang with the boys type of mom.
I remember being pregnant with Nolan and how much the worry consumed me about him getting here safely and then the worry would stop. I know, you can stop laughing now. Little did I know, that was only the beginning of a lifetime of worry.
Speaking of worry...
I'm really getting worried about Nolan being so shy.
He's just so timid and serious.
I just wish that he could let loose and be silly.
Hmmm, maybe someday he'll come out of his shell.